First Published in The Times, Shreveport, LA.
I Know Where Fat Comes From
I have no doubt that this year’s Nobel Prize in medicine will go to some significant advancement in treating adult tension that comes from raising children. Likewise, an eminent scientist who has determined why you only get flat tires in the rain will receive the physics award. Eventually, though, I feel that all due recognition will be given to my interdisciplinary discovery concerning fat: I have discovered where fat comes from. This discovery, which I have named the “Unified Fat Theory” or “UFT” for short, states that: “Fat cannot be created nor destroyed.” Like all important theories, the UFT was postulated from observation. I noticed that when I reached 35, all of a sudden this extra inch was hung around my middle. Since I had not changed any eating or exercise habits, this fat had to come from some place.
Upon talking with my wife, I found out that the same had happened to her, and to my friends, and to her friends. Since they, too, had made no major life style change, then this fat had its origins elsewhere. From this basic Unified Fat Theory concerning the stability of fat in the universe, there are several corollaries. First, since fat cannot be created nor destroyed, yet we all gain and lose weight, then it follows that fat only moves to and from a “fat bank” into which lost fat is deposited and from which fat is withdrawn, and that the books must always balance. For instance, when you reach a certain age, there is an automatic draft upon that fat bank with a corresponding deposit to your account (hips, legs, stomach). After you age, or lose weight through disease, the fat is redeposited to this bank. Second, fat does not have to be deposited directly to that account. It can, instead, be transferred from one person to another. Third, the likelihood of fat being deposited to your account from another person who is losing weight is directly related to your proximity to that someone. If you take an office of five women, one of whom decides to go on a diet, woe to the other four, because they are bound to gain what the dieter loses. Fourth, fat attracts fat. Once you start gaining some extra pounds, you are likely to gain even more. Lastly, up to a certain point, fat likes age. The older you are, the more likely you are to gain weight.
I believe that there is a “fat” bug which is a carrier of this fat. This fits in very nicely with the corollaries above. One bug always attracts more. An ailment spread by bugs is more likely to infect those in close surroundings. Older people have lower resistance than younger ones, and are thus more susceptible to infection. Somehow, these bugs are run though the fat bank system, are loaded up with fat, and then later unburden themselves on some poor, hapless soul. In conclusion, I feel it vital that we turn our attention to the Unified Fat Theory and attempt to develop means by which we can delay or, even better, defeat the mechanism of transference of fat, and I will be happy to volunteer some of my buddies at the downtown Y for experimentation. Mike Sledge